somebody asked..

"What does it feel like to be away most of the time from home?" and I replied, "Content yet sometimes distressing"

I ‘stepped out’ from home when I was 14 to stay in my middle school dorm in Terengganu cause the family had to move to Kelantan. I then went on board to a Science College for high school. Upon graduating, unlike other people who have 3 months of free time, I only stayed home for a month before enrolling to my Preparatory Program to US. My walk down the road brought me further from home when I went to US for my degree and later worked in another state after I’ve kissed my diploma. Now I’m away again… I’ve never been home, really.

Content mainly because I have the full freedom to do whatever I want. I’m used to be out of sight from my family members or others who like to scrutinize and report on all my behavior (no, I didn’t misbehave, not that much at least). Being away does mean that I have to do everything on my own. This is not a big deal since I’m used to chores even while I was at home. Of course except everything is done by your own effort. No washing machine and no other people cooking for you.

Here’s the catch. Being away means you can’t create this ‘close bond’ with your family member. Yes, you call every week. Yes, you text. Yes, you do go home. But it will never be the same as being there everyday and you drift away. I could never get that intimacy again regardless of how I try; the gap will always be there. I do try to be close but for reason I don’t think I’m neither doing it right nor enough.

I’ve grown to be a very independent person. Too much, I think. A person who like to think and decide everything on her own. I will not share all no matter how close you are to me. You will only see the surface of this person called Nur Liyana. This person who can do anything, who is always cheerful and happy. In fact, there is only 1 person in the world who I think knows me inside out better. At least this person knows exactly what I think and feel… (The male me is it?)

This is pretty much it. Now don’t take this the same for everybody. What I’m saying is for me and me alone...