tioman again..

malas nk tulis ape2 update. xde mood coz smbody's missing...

Wordless Wednesday~ again...

i'm really really lost

:( :(

what's up lately..

lonelier than ever...
: (

i don't know..

i don't know whether my brain will work well
after i hit my head to the car door..


i'm slowly loosing my insanity..
so don't look for me when i suddenly disappear ..

Wordless Wednesday~

i see the life and events move around me. how i wish my world is the same as others. but also how it's impossible just because i'm missing that one single most important part that define my world as complete. i once thought i already grasped it in my hands; when i never actually did.


i honestly don't know how long i could stand this. breathing without living, gasping most of the time. smiling although bleeding inside, pretending.


i lost my direction...

wordless thursday.. tuko sket bior len dr org len..

woke up too early today and i got nothing else to do...


other than thinking of how bad my life is......

hmmm...

sejuk, tpi panas...
batuk..
selsema... tpi bersin smpai rse perit kt dada..
mksdnyer ape...


cold.. or flu???


mintk2 it'll wear off in 4 weeks time.
gue mau diveeeee!!!!

can't never get enough..

of.....

how do u care less for someone whom u care the most....

You're My bestfriend because...

• u always understand
• u'd laugh at my jokes
• we can talk for hours and never be tired
• if i was lost, u'd find me
• when i'm really down, u'd cry with me
• u make room for me in ur busy life
• one hug form u is worth 10 fm any other friend

but i'm so sorry coz i never know who u r....

lost......

Eid 2011

the don't-know-how-many-time-incomplete-gathering for this year. complete participation was last in 2008. a lot of things happened, but i'm posting just 2 highlights..

 the family

& of coz, the food.

only the one i'm most looking forward too..

(smpai skang still rase xpuas mkn..)

burasak and lepat

why is it that everytime i'm back, i feel discarded....

at the bottom of the trench.......

bj raye - check: 3psg :: brown, black, grey
tuko duit raye - check
smpul duit raye - not yet
apply cuti - check
keje lg 4 ari - argggghhhhh demmit!


i bet raye thn ni plg boring....

apart from food..

i will enjoy raya MORE if i DON'T HAVE to GIVE OUT DUIT RAYA hahahahaha!!!

agree???

p/s: to u.. pls have a good rest.. mne de org demam smpai 2 ari xleh bgn...

raya

the only good thing about raya is the food.
that's all i'm looking forward to this year...

the sky seems to understand what i'm feeling...

mm

today.. rase diri diabaikan.. actually dr tgh ari smlm rse cmtu...
rse cm nk g cmpak diri dr bgnn jek.... who cares pn..

mood swing......

here again it comes..
back to fasting in M'sia after 2 yrs in Sydney..
no more eating at 5.30pm huh? :p

i am no one important..

Let's Try

‎1 - Open Google Maps (get directions)
2 - Type China as your starting point
3 - Type Taiwan as your destination.
4 - Read step 48
5- Add Hiroshima as 3rd destination
6 - Read Step 128
7 - When you stop laughing, type this in your profile so others can laugh too...…

everytime u go away..
u take a piece of me...

eqin ckp..

"kalo souvenir dr aunty liyana, mesti de kne ngene ngan koala ke.. kangaroo ke.. musykil aku, ko borong setong kapal ke bnde2 ni??"


hahahaha! klako jek :p

i have 7!~

According to Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning;indicating that you have Major Depressive Episode

(1) depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful).

(2) markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others)

(3) significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.

(4) insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day

(5) psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)

(6) fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day

(7) feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)

(8) diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)

(9) recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

i think...

my life is about to be doomed...
:(

i wish...
: (

what i got myself @ MIDE..

so what i bought in the w'ends...

item 1: Frog Dive Gear Mesh Bag @ MIDE

 Item 2: Aqualung Bali Wetsuit @ MIDE

(ya, ya.. pink.. what can i do coz my fins and snorkel are pink)

Item 3: Mares Trilastic 3/2mm Glove @ MIDE

Item 4: Advance Open Water Course in Tioman in Oct '11 @ MIDE
 Item 5: Fippers Slim @ Sg. Wei

Item 6: Fipper Chic @ Sg. Wei

puas ati!~

i have always learnt to put a wall around me.
don't force me coz when that wall breaks, i break.

balik~

ntah npe rse xsabo nk balik KL this w'end...


- dpt jumpe bdak Gemuk ngan Ek-ek
- MIDE-MIDE (pasni poket kering $$$)
- ronggeng bsama sepupu-sepapat
- nk bli seliper Fippers (ni pn excited ke??)


mm.. my parents gave me buah Nona.. and dukong.. i think i hvn't eat these fruits for like what... 3 yrs??

i don't think this blog will longer provide fun, sweet, happy updates.
as days goes by, my faith on living is gradually decreasing..


everything i think of, hurts me.
everything i do, hurt others.
my surroundings doesn't help either.
makes me want to crawl to the deepest hole possible.


i don't want to leave,
as i don't hv enough things to bring yet. 


but i don't want to live,
as i don't hv anything left for me here.


both ways, i loose..

do not ask me why,

i will never tell u the reason.

do not ask me why,

i am the only one who knows what's going on.

i am a piece of paper

that can be crumpled..
tossed around..
and thrown away..

as pleased...

siapalah aku....

my day is low...


that person is missing :(

dlu aku sndiri..
kini masih sndiri..
hadapi hidup ini....


susah senang diriku..
tak btpt mengadu..
spt burung kepatahan sayap..


di hati kecil, ku menaruh harapan...


*wlpn aku tau xmgkin.. kerna tiada yg mgkin utk aku....

pisau tu gunenyer utk potong buah. bkn jari k.


tpi tgn pn bley je.. pisau Ikea ni lulus tahap ketajaman..

the other person

my fever is gone. only left a bit of sore throat and cold.


but the other person is still sick. not improving much for the past 3 days.
and bcoz the other person is sick, that person is relieved from (dreadful) work for the rest of the week.
but bcoz that person is sick, that person is kongsi-rested and cannot go anywhere.
to stay put. no going out far, no driving.


and me no like it :(

sick??

well... demam dh kebah..
tpi...


selsema and batuk.. NOT..
tpi..


paling tension ngan selsema ni.. sbb dier cm stuck kt dlm hidung (xde kne hembus2 kuor ke ape ea).. and bcoz of that, telinge sakit.. bedengung.. rse cm dok bwh laut 2-3 atm (ecece).. dh equalized pn xjd.. effective for maybe 5 mins?


mm... ptg ni kne g jmpe doctor balik... dh seminggu ni....

never felt this lonely....

out again for 5 days..
i hope i can survive : (

sbb 7 ari xde.. 
akibatnyer ==> demam. 
complete pakej : selsema, sakit tekak,  mata berair, lenguh sendi & bdn, sakit kpale..

from 4... becomes 6...
: (

another 2 days to go .. : (

days***

starting to count the days..
: (


it's been a while w/o having the long period of absence, so i'm not sure how'll i cope...

only waiting..

feels like my journey is about to come to its end.. since beginning it has always been dark. altho i had a glimpse of hope in the middle, it no longer appears.. 


waited for that my whole life and when it left, i no longer hv the strength to wait for the next glimpse..


no.. the truth is, that other glimpse doesn't exist for me.. i am bound for darkness, for the rest of my life...


i'm just waiting aimlessly... 
for the final end. 
for the final goodbye to all and everything.

this is me..

if u've known me for quite a long time, or hv lived with me before.. u may/may not hv realized some of my habits.. some, i was and still am able to tolerate with others even if they're not like me.. NO OFFENSE.


i don't like leaving things in the sink
i usually (95% of the time) wash the stuff i use once i've finished using it. promptly. as to date, sometimes i do feel annoyed to those who didn't, especially those who left the sink piled up the whole day AND ure at home (no reason like u eat and then off to work or smwhere else).


i don't like leaving used stuff all over the place
for example: mug on the table, plate full of fruits leftover/peel off skins in front of the tv. seriously i don't understand how hard it is to throw and wash a plate and a peeler/knife. this is much worst that pilling up the sink. ure inviting pests into the house, for God sake!


i don't leave clothing to dry off for more than it needed
if u don't understand my statement = i don't leave my clothing on the line outside for more than ONE SUNNY DAY. i do understand that sometimes ure lazy to fold them, but do take them off the hanger and put them away temporarily so that others could utilize the rack as well. u don't need to hang ur clothes for 3 FREAKING SUNNY DAYS!


i don't use other people's stuff.. daily
ok, i understand that u like my stuff. but does that mean u can use them every time, every day?  i don't even use it in certain conditions and yet u simply use it w/o even asking. altho i didn't say anything (which what i usually do) don't u hv self consciousness over borrowing others' things which may be considered as hygienic stuff?

well.. that're all i could think of for now.. take a note, i don't mean to offense anybody. if i never said a word about these stuff, means it's still tolerable for me..

failure to breathe...

Sape suro degil xikut drang ckp ape.... take a break, exercise, take a break, exercise!!

kalo cmni everyday... mmg bubye liyana la..

i wish i could turn back time to yesterdays' night and freeze there....
that's all i want..

work part 1

some insight about my current work. i'm currently busy with my units' RV. so here's a 3-line update:


QA - quality assurance
RV - reject validation --> part of my main job task
Shmoo - A process in which a silicon model is exercised while varying more than one parameter in an effort to isolate performance problems. --> basically plotting voltages versus time to see the degradation. one of the task to validate RV

Di sini langit mendung selalu 

Tiada cahaya menyinariku 

Di sini aku tiada berdaya 

Mengikut kata tanpa bicara

backdated photo from White Water Rafting in Kampar

Seriously recommended. Do check them out at Riverbug.

di sini aku masih sendiri

merenungi hari-hari sepi

aku tanpamu, masih tanpamu...

What's up?

first thing first. 
i found it very odd that majority of my frens who're still studying had their final exam schedule changed. and i don't mean the timing, but the day itself. is Malaysia's university that weird?


next.
i found less things to talk about lately. even up to the point of talking to real people. i apologize to my frens who think they are the reason for me being so. rest assured, it's never about u guys.. it's about those freaking optical shop guys who ordered my contact lens wrongly, TWICE. and after 5 weeks, i still haven't got it yet due to the changing and re-ordering. stupid shop.


then.
i got bored at work. seriously i got nothing much to do at work. my reject validation is postponed to next week (where then i'll be like a zombie trying to finish everything) since i have tonnes of things scheduled next week. gone my plan to go catch earlier bus for the long w'end break.


finally.
i missed his ym, again. i waited for 5 DAYS (!!) and felt like crying. i dunno what's wrong with maxis that i never get the text even when i'm online at my mobile. it's freaking annoying and depressing. i seriously hope he'll be ol tomorrow.. i hate this.. i hate me.....

New Zealand - April 2nd to 7th

tetibe otak rse serabut sgt....

i wonder..

i wonder when is my time..

to....

nothing to update......


my mood swings higher.. coz of too many unresolved issue.. 
: (

what to eat..

what to eat if everything else i ate make my stomach have this weird "pedih"???.. the only thing that i could eat is BREAD... ari2 mkn ROTI la jwbnyer...

Open Water Dive @ Perhentian Island

from behind: ajis, me, papa & en.rahim (instructor)

front: parut & azri

slice the throat..

this sore throat is painful.. it comes and goes.. when it comes, i can't even swallow my 'air liur'.. i dont feel like talking......


and i hate the sneezing too.. why dont they come in a shot, and in a short time...

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black..

The sharp knife of a short life

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’


If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song (i've never have) 

so truee!

I figured out why I'm fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For extra volume and body". I'm going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says " Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

time

time is very cruel to me today.. the clock at the cafe is set to 5 mins late. thanx to that, i missed the shuttle bus from kulim to penang this morning. next shuttle was at 10 (3 hrs later).


but bcoz of this, i work from kulim today! hehehe

u asked me to take care...
but whenever i told u i'm sick,
u talk about smthg else....

what i'm up lately..

wlpn stil xpuas ati ngan my buoyancy.. but no chance to do more.. smer kne re do and proceed at Perhentian soon...

selalu..

found this while blog-walking... slalu sgt.. true.. tapi..

-----------------------------------

Selalu aku ingat kau adalah yang terbaik
pernah hadir dalam hidupku

selalu aku ingat begitu

selalu sangat..

Selalu aku fikir kau cinta yang terhebat

pernah ada dalam hidupku

selalu aku fikir begitu

selalu sangat..

Selalu sangat aku menyangka semua itu betul

tanpa mahu meneka hidup ini penuh dusta

selalu aku mengira begitu

selalu sangat..

Selalu sangat yang ku ingat terbaik adalah yang terburuk sebenarnya

selalu sangat yang ku kufikir terhebat adalah kosong semata-mata

selalu sangat yang ku sangka benar adalah dusta belaka

selalu aku menerima semuanya tanpa prasangka

selalu sangat..

selalu sangat.....

credit to Nani Rostam

i try...

i thought i'm fine,
but i lied..


i said to myself, someday..
but it's getting harder each day..


i tried,
but i really can't..


i tried,
but it really hurts..


i tried,
until i really wish i'm no longer me..


i tried,
until everything i see,
made me think,
how can i use it,
to make me disappear,
forever and after...

feels like letting go..
coz no matter what i said, no one really cares..

feels like saying goodbye to everything..
don't know how long can i stand..

why..

why is.. 
everything around is so depressing..
everything reminds me...


i hate the fact that
you still influencing my heartbeat,
getting into my vision
and affecting my thoughts...

tagging

mm.. since these few weeks have been depressing, and stil is.. isi la sket pe2 yg patut.. and hopefully xrelated.

tagged by fifi here

You've been tagged, and you're supposed to write a note with the "ABC's of Me". At the end, choose people to be tagged. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

A - Age ; 28. kire ikut tahun pn mmg dh tua.
B - Bed size ; kt umah = 1/3 dr size toto.
C - Chore you hate ; gosok baju..
D - Dog's name ; no dogs allowed. cats yes.
E - Essential start your day item ; tgk jam dekat hp..
F - Favorite color ; black, purple, blue..
G - Gold or Silver ; silver
H - Height ; 157cm..
I - Instruments you play(ed) ; keyboard, organ, piano. and major drum during school..
J - Job title ; student sket, then tanam anggur. lg a week = Intelliers~
K - Kid(s) ; mm.. as if i found the one..
L - Living arrangements ; no preferences as long as both agreed.
M - Mom and dad live near or far ; skang dpn mata je. soon, jauuhhh..
N - Nicknames ; yana, kelly, kel, nur, li
O - Overnight hospital stay (other than birth) ; once. for my eye injury gara2 nk jd tarzan :)

P - Pet Peeve ; People who left the car signal on even after the task is done (eg. belok, hazard light)
Q - Quote from a movie ; "ce cite.. ce cite.." hahaha..
R - Right or left handed ; right.
S - Siblings ; 3..
T - Time you wake up ; usually around 9 time student.
U- Underwear ; sloggi! :p
V - Vegetable you dislike ; sayurrrr... mmm... petai!
W - Ways you run late ; xphm soklan....
X - X-rays you've had ; last was saturday, for employment
Y - Yummy food you make ; ntah.. jarang msk utk org..
Z - Zoo favorite ; has got to be the Koala & crazy Tasmanian Devil.

nak tag kepada
niha..
cik dya..

"Seorang pelajar Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan (SMK) Seri Kota, Air Leleh, Melaka telah membunuh diri dengan terjun daripada Tingkat 2 bangunan sekolah tersebut. Sally Lee Qian Chun, pelajar Tingkatan 5 sekolah tersebut dkatakan mengalami tekanan perasaan akibat perhubungan cinta yang gagal. Keluarga Sally dikatakan langsung tidak mengesyaki apa-apa kerana semasa menyambut Gong Xi Fa Cai beberapa hari Sally dikatakan berada dalam keadaan ceria. Bagaimanapun apabila dilayari facebook Sally didapati beliau sudah memberi petanda akan membunuh diri dan meninggalkan pesanan kepada kawan-kawannya supaya meletakkan patung teddybear diatas kerandanya. Apa yang menyedihkan, ada kalangan warga facebook yang memberi respon menyuruh Sally meneruskan hasrat untuk membunuh diri itu."

cut..

everybody would be happy and relief when i'm gone..
don't they..


people won't be bothered of me
people won't be stressed bcz of me
people won't feel they're pressured bcz of me
people won't be worried of me (not that they actually do)


no doubt
their life would be at peace
simply when i don't exist..


don't worry
as i am waiting
for the courage to do so
to pick it up and end everything...


so that everybody would be happy..
without me....

7...

losing evrything feels like the sun goes down on me...

4..


kosong...
semuanya kosong....

been caught in a downpour of a rain of stones,

i felt like an exile in the world i had known,

so i sought the shelter of my own soul,

and stayed inside..
-----------------------------
- appetite + fever + food poisoning  = -4kg in a week.. 
just what i need.. 

mi stomach

sakit perut dan diarrhea..


already 2 days..
hungry..but couldnt eat..


bcause my stomach hurts..
i'm afraid eating would make it even worst.


bcause my heart hurts.. 
simply looses my appetite..


mybe this is a good way to 'starve' myself....
slowly.. and less painful.. 
-----------------
lesson of the day: xyah mkn. mnum 100 plus je bebyk..

White Water Rafting @ Sg Kampar and Caving @ Gua Kandu

Guide: Maxx

Riverbug Asia

eat?

no pint of eating if everything were thrown out again, right?


the only thing i could swallow yesterday were 1 small tart in the morning and a slice of small pizza at night..


and today, trying to eat a burger (made by my bro) caused my jaw to be in pain and my stomach in a twirl.. i got no reason not to eat, right? i hope this wont come out soon...


i wonder what excuses can i give when people ask me to eat when the truth is i dont feel like eating anything...

time..

the day i lost everything....


the long-timed battle i've already lost is closing to its end. with the reasoning behind it, i'm deeply wounded and struggling to keep alive.. walking on one hand, too many things running in my mind that the only solution that i see is smthg that will stop everything- pain, feeling lost.. and my breath...


i'm still holding on to the 'purpose'..
until i hv NO reason to not to.. i'll loose everything...

Tandem Para-gliding @ Bahau

January 15th, 2011

Bukit Penarikan, Bahau, Negeri Sembilan

 with Abg Yusoff & Krun,

uncle Zul & NSSAC..

 Tandem:

pilot- Abg Nafi

pasenger- me!

 Abg Putra kitting..

on our way down..

Pajero penuh ngan 9 org..

Malacca - A'Famosa & Jonker Walk

tq to Amar for being the host.

p/s: gambo asam pedas tarak. slamat msuk perut.